An Internal Battle

Me, Myself & I

An Internal Battle. Illustration by Ira Jaaska.

Me and Myself are not talking much to each other. I am sad about that. I have known Me and Myself all my life and we have been through many experiences together. I like it when the three of us are in harmony. We have so much more fun and we can be extremely productive. Between us, Me is the emotional one, Myself the logical one and I am the observant one. 

I invited them over one evening for a heart to heart, open discussion, to overcome the current conflict. 

Me arrives a bit late, she has a tendency to do that. She doesn't like conflict and is inclined to distance herself at times like this.  

Myself, is reliable and always on time, even at times a bit early. He is smart and has a tendency to be rugged with a ‘know it all’ attitude.

With the three of us present, the air in the room feels heavy. I am nervous. I start to talk about what I had heard on the news, whilst I am cooking.  They are both seated and are hearing me, although I am not entirely sure if they are actually listening.  They seem to be lost in their parallel universe. We talk about everything except what really matters. I wonder if perhaps things will resolve themselves, and maybe we don't need to really talk.  But soon, silence falls upon us like a thick fog.  I detect sadness, and perceive them to be anxious and restless. 

Finally, I build up enough courage and speak up:  “Me and Myself, you have avoided I.  Let's stop sidestepping each other and open a Pandora’s box. Let's talk!”

Me and myself, look sheepishly at I and then at each other. Me casts her eyes down. She is sensitive and though her emotions are pure, the way she delivers them at times can be unpredictable.  Myself looks up and looks directly ahead.  He is strong, resilient and can be shrewd.  He takes control of the situation masterfully: “We have been going through some tough times and we don't seem to be able to resolve it. It feels like a cloud of rumination that never seems to come to a real outcome. It frustrates the hell out of me . A never ending rollercoaster”.

Me looks hurt.  She struggles to speak up, perhaps she doesn't have the right words.  She feels the tears welling up in her eyes. She is afraid that her raw emotions are going to get Myself to be disappointed in her and not trust her to have any valid point of view.

I notice I take a step back and move into an observational stance while Me and Myself shift in their chairs to face each other.

Me sits in the corner of her chair, looking cautiously at Myself.  She seems to feel somewhat ambivalent whilst Myself seems composed and switched on.

Myself is the first to speak again:

“Why can't you just let me handle things. Everything is under control. I know exactly what needs to be done and how. Just let me lead. And stop crying!!  It doesn't solve anything, in fact it's totally pointless.”

Me looks defeated. She says in a low voice: “ I don't want to cry. Certainly not in front of you. But, I am sad. I feel helpless. I want you to stop making all the decisions. They are not always the best decisions for me.”

Myself: “They are the smartest decisions and throughout the years I have proven to you that logical decisions based on risk analysis and data wins.”

Me: “But some of your decisions take too long and we miss opportunities. There are also times that you have total disregard for my feelings and end up hurting me unnecessarily.” 

Myself: “I don't mean it. You should just control your emotions. Look how much we have achieved, don’t you feel fulfilled?”

Me: “I have controlled them so now I am not sure what I feel anymore. In fact, I feel numb. I want to feel alive. Let me contribute. Why can't you trust me to make some of the decisions?” 

Myself: “Because I am wiser than you.”

Me: “You are smarter but not wiser.  If you trust me and let me help us, we can be wiser. Let me be your equal partner in this process. I am intuitively strong. I have great sensitivity to fluctuations in mood and feelings.  Let go of controlling everything.  Aren't you tired?”

Myself looks away.  Suddenly he seems less sure. Less confident.  He looks older. He speaks with lower voice: “ I AM tired. It does feel lonely. It would be nice to have you alongside me.”

Me: “I admire your resilience, tenacity and savviness.  I want you to let me demonstrate to you my empathy, compassion and love for you.” 

Me and Myself look at each other. The room is quiet again. Dinner is ready.  I want to close the loop and move on to serving dinner. They look up at me and ask “what do you think? What advice do you have for us?”

I walk over and stand between them to share my observations. I look at Me and tell her “Don't ask for permission to be yourself. Be confident and do what you are good at. You do have a lot of empathy and you ARE kind and compassionate.  Those are not weaknesses, they just make you feel vulnerable. Vulnerability can be a strength too.”

Then I look at Myself and tell him “Life and experiences have built you up to be resilient and strong.  If you only use this strength you are at the risk of turning it into a weakness by bulldozing over emotions. Emotions bring you love and warmth. Not all decisions are answered best through logical thinking.  Let Me be vulnerable and you will feel her love. You will not feel as lonely. If you work together in partnership, I feel confident that we have a more holistic outcome.”

The room starts to feel warmer. The aroma of the food engulfs us and a smile crosses our faces. We stand up in unison and go to the dinner table. 

Then Me, Myself and I sit to eat in complete harmony & attuned, cherishing the moment.

Over the years, we develop different internal dialogues. In the story above, Anna’s internal voice is based on internal conflict within herself and the dialogue revolves around “Me, Myself & I”.  She tunes into her punitive or critical voice, linked to a distorted logic and emotional pain.

In such an instance, one may have grown to rely predominantly on logical thinking and leave emotions out of conflict in order to avoid complications.  Alternatively, they may have a reactive stance, whereby a wave of emotions kick in immediately when triggered, without allowing any space for reflection or considerations.

To become more self aware and confident to determine when we have enough data to make a decision and not to be seduced into procrastinating in service of absolute perfection, we need to tune in and use all our senses. 

• When faced with conflict, what is your inner dialogue? 

• What inner voice(s) do you tune into and how does it serve you ? 

• What do you do when you notice you are faced with an ongoing cycle of rumination on a topic? How do you break the cycle?

“Every human has four endowments - self awareness, conscience, independent will and creative imagination. These give us the ultimate human freedom... The power to choose, to respond, to change.”

-  Stephen Covey