Codes of Silence
An Ideal Picture
Juan was an opinionated adolescent. A debate was often part of the menu in the evenings in his household. Although his parents were conservative, they didn't walk away from a disagreement and had no qualms expressing themselves and sharing different perspectives. He felt comfortable to approach his parents to mull over topics in order to process his thoughts and come to a resolution.
Juan loved languages and was looking forward to going to Freibourg on the school exchange programme to practice his German. He would stay with Peter and his family, with whom he had only communicated via emails.
After a few weeks of staying with Peter, it became apparent to Juan that they seemed to have had rather different upbringings. Peter's family appeared to be incredibly calm, collected and Blissfully unperturbed. He wrote to his sister that unlike their family who had disagreements and ups and downs, Peter's family was picture-perfect.
Juan struggled to fully understand the dinner table conversations as his grasp of German was so-so. Nevertheless, he found himself intrigued with the way the whole family sat to have dinner cordially. The tone of the conversation was one of prudence. They were so agreeable, Juan applauded them enviably!
As Juan and Peter's friendship started to develop, Juan noted that Peter was rather timid, composed, reticent to make spontaneous decisions and did not like being asked questions. In particular, whenever Peter was asked for his opinion on any subject matter, he seemed reluctant to come forth. At times, Juan would keep at it, assuming that it was his line of questioning that was not clear. The more he tried, the more Peter got irritated. Juan was baffled, as on many occasions Peter had complained about not being heard.
Peter had an ironic sense of humor and would often look for what wasn't right in what Juan shared. On occasions he would chastise Juan for asking too many questions and searching for disagreements. This was distressing for Juan who was a curious individual and was keen to learn, especially from Peter who was in many ways different to him and could offer a different perspective. It seemed to Juan that Peter was a brilliant critic but he didn't offer many solutions.
As Juan’s German improved he realized that the conversations around the dinner table were often skirting around a given topic and were never complimented with a personal opinion. Sharing personal views seemed sacrilegious and much of the dialogue was indirect.
One evening, Peter was exceptionally quiet at the dinner table and didn't seem to have an appetite. Juan had not seen Peter all day and felt his friend was anxious about something. Although, at this point Juan knew asking Peter would be breaking the codes of silence at the table, he persisted in finding out what was up. Peter confessed that he had an accident on his motorbike and it was badly damaged. Before Juan had the chance to ask if his friend was feeling ok, Peter's father looked up sharply and directly at his son. Without a word of concern or reassurance, he asked how bad was the damage to the bike. And when Peter said he didn't know yet, his father languidly shifted his gaze to his wife and a sarcastic-all-knowing-smile took form across his lips. Somehow, he was talking without uttering a single word. He seemed to say “He KNEW this was going to happen because he KNEW Peter was a lousy driver”.
Peter's mum didn't utter a word. She continued to eat as if no one was talking. No one asked Peter if he was ok! The silence was broken by Peter's mum who announced that this year the orchids are not flowering as well!
Juan noticed that Peter's father often made jokes at the expense of his son, was economical with any praise and preferred to give underhanded compliments. Additionally, he seemed to know how things would turn out, albeit this was announced mostly AFTER the event.
That night, as they finished watching a movie together with an inconclusive ending, Juan was overcome with curiosity and seized the opportunity to open a debate on what was everyone's interpretation. Silence enveloped the room. Peter’s father looked away disinterested. Everyone was quiet and finally Peter asked Juan: ”What do you think happened?”
As Juan speculated the ending, it was promptly met with much skepticism and cynicism. Yet no other point of view or theories were offered. This triggered Juan who then pressed his friend Peter for his opinion. Peter got up frustrated and reminded Juan that it was just a movie and who cares anyway. Perhaps it was Peter's father's condescending laugh and smugness whilst observing his son that resulted in Peter to flare-up.
Peter: “You know everything Juan, don't you? You have an answer for it all!!
Juan: “No, I don't have an answer for it all. But if you ask me for an opinion, then when I have one, I share it”.
Peter: “And you think your opinions are right, do you”?
Juan: “They are just my opinions and not facts. I think you are irritated because I don't mind sharing my opinion even if it may be controversial. But perhaps since I don't mind being wrong, it allows for the chance that I might also be right.”
Juan could hear a heavy silence but felt courageous and continued: “Perhaps, that freedom is what you want, but you deprive yourself of it, in fear of being wrong.”
Peter looked at his friend pensively.
Juan got up and went over to his friend. He put his arm around his friend's shoulder with affection and continued: “You know Peter, being imperfect is in many ways perfect and right. Anyone can be judgemental, but not everyone can offer acceptance, and even more challenging self-acceptance”.
Our internal set of assumptions are based on beliefs which we use to organise our identity. They are the inner rules or beliefs that define how we see ourselves and our relationship to the world. In the story above some of Peter’s internal beliefs are opposing to Juans and hence they trigger each other’s reactive tendencies. The Leadership Circle Profile (LCP) is a 360 degree profile assessment, which measures 29 dimensions of which 11 assess the reactive tendencies of an individual. The other 18 dimensions measure creative competencies. The LCP reveals the relationship between patterns of action and internal assumptions that drive the behaviour and lead to habits.
‘Arrogance’, ‘Critical’ and ‘Distance’ are the three dimensions that sit under an overall ‘Protecting’ summary Dimension. The internal assumptions which are often associated with the protecting dimension include (LCP Manual):
For me to be right, others have to be wrong (and vice versa)
I am worthwhile if I am right and find the weakness in others
I am valuable because of my superior capability or insight
I am not good enough
I am safe and acceptable if I remain small, uninvolved, and avoid risk
Peter’s behaviors are the external expression of these inner assumptions. What might be Juan’s reactive tendencies?
What do we assume about each other that might not be true?
What internal fear(s) do we project onto the other person?
When someone's behavior triggers us, what does our reaction say about our own insecurities?
What behaviors are we role modeling for our children?
“The truth is: Belonging starts with self-acceptance. Your level of belonging, in fact, can never be greater than your level of self-acceptance, because believing that you're enough is what gives you the courage to be authentic, vulnerable and imperfect” - Brene Brown
