More
Do you see me?
Once upon a time, there was a little monkey who tried very hard to get his parent’s attention. He was a smart, cheeky little monkey who loved to be playful and have fun. But, his parents didn't value playing around and expected him to focus on doing meaningful activities, where he could demonstrate his ability and perform.
As daddy was often occupied and away with work, the little monkey started to find himself increasingly at the receiving end of his mothers needs and demands. She would bemoan to him how much she had on her plate and that there was no-one to help or take care of her, insinuating she relied on him to fill the void. On top, she would frequently remind him that being the eldest, he had to be a good role model to his siblings.
Indeed, the little monkey wished to provide a shoulder for mummy to cry on and felt proud of himself that his mummy exclusively counted on him. He took deep satisfaction in the intimate moments he shared with her during their tete-a-tetes, because she was affectionate and needed him. When she did approve of him, no other feeling came as close and he relished the acceptance and validation. Predictably enough, during these times, he felt seen.
What the little monkey didn't dare to tell his mum, is that when he did listen to her attentively, he was secretly wishing he could go out and play with his friends. But he felt selfish to express his need. He also felt guilty listening to mum talking unkindly about his siblings or his father. He didn't want to know all her secrets. He just wanted to be silly, chew gum, kick a ball and laugh at stupid things. Yet, he felt ashamed to admit it.
When he obediently conformed as mummy dictated, he was praised and recognised. There were also times that mummy was too busy and dismissive of him. During these times, she was irritated, short tempered and would be demeaning. She would compare him to the other little monkeys, and he frequently felt he did not measure up.
“If only you could be as good as your friend”, mum complained! “How can you be so stupid?” She would fume.
Wanting to avoid her next rage attack, he would fret: “It's all MY fault! I made her react that way. I am not good enough. I MUST do more to gain her approval.”
The ambiguity and breadcrumbs of motherly love, the feeling of ambivalence in his father and the little attention he paid him, left the little monkey starved of love and affection. He felt sad and confused.
As the little monkey grew older, he started to notice that rationalising some of his mother’s behaviour were getting more difficult. He didn't like the way she dismissed his dad and belittled him. He didn't like that she could be quite manipulative and economical with the truth or plainly lie to serve her own needs. He didn't like the way she triangulated him against his younger brother or that she blamed his sister for everything. Nothing was ever mummy’s fault. She was always RIGHT! She knew everything and if she did seldomly apologise, it was only because her hands were tied behind her back and that was the ONLY way out of the situation. It never felt like a heartfelt apology to him.
Worse of all, as he became an adolescent and started to rock the boat by instilling his boundaries, mummy would punish him in her very special way - she had the knack to make him feel invisible. He started to resent this feeling of being controlled. He had to find a way to gain love and affection without all the conditions nor the subsequent punishments. How could he turn the table and be the one in control? How could he be the one with the compelling argument, the use of meticulous words and be RIGHT?
The young monkey started to prioritise his studies over all else and worked very hard. He felt distinguished in his achievements and gained much popularity. Although, as his parents advised, there was always room for improvement, and the next best and bigger milestone to achieve. Nevertheless, his progress shed his parents in a good light and subsequently won their attention . Finally, he started to feel in charge and this feeling of greatness and power was intoxicating to him. If only he could maintain this marvellous feeling! What could he do to be the ‘BEST’ perpetually?
What he also understood is that in his endeavours to reach the very top, he couldn't rely on his parent's support. In fact, to avoid his mothers wrath and in the absence of his father, he had to be independent and not bother her with questions and needs. And so he made himself a promise: “I will be strong. I will control my environment, have influence over others and shape the outcomes to suit me. To feel safe, I will take charge and defend myself. I will engage with those who can further my personal agenda. I will WIN from others irrespective of all else.”
To honour such a promise, he started to notice that there were so many elements to think and plan, that he often found his levels of anxiety unbearable! He wondered to himself: “What can I do to manage my fear!?”
And that's when he discovered a neat little trick called compartmentalisation. He rationalised his actions as well as his inactions, and anything that hindered his progress he proceeded to compartmentalise. He pushed forward successfully and authoritatively with a strong sense of entitlement.
This was how the monkey started living a parallel life as he grew older. The split made it easier for him to determine the players, the audience, the rules and most importantly his chosen narrative. In such a controlled environment under his vigilant eye, he would NEVER be the one at fault. He WILL be respected and admired. He will be needed, wanted and he will make sure he is always relevant and SEEN.
And yet, secretly doubt always crept in so unapologetically, stealing his confidence and making him crave “MORE”…
How conscious are we when a "power over" construct is in play?
Who defines your relevance and drives your identity?
To what extent do you establish a sense of personal security and worth through task accomplishment, personal achievement, power and control?
How are relationships influenced by the need to control the dynamics?
How does a sense of grandiosity and dominance in an organisation impact vulnerability?
In the story above, the mother is exhibiting a “power over” her child
How conscious of this dynamic is she?
What does she do with this responsibility?
How does such a perspective of power serve her own identity?
Based on the 360 degree Leadership Circle Profile (LCP) assessment
Which of your own reactive tendencies (if any) does the story remind you of?
Which of your personal values is most closely related to this reactive tendency?
“Many men go fishing all of their lives without knowing that it is not fish they are after “
-Henry David Thoreau
